That is true--I struggle to accept it as an impulse I have because it feels so contradictory to who I am as a person, though since you& are on the access list you&'ve seen/probably know that I'm doing a lot of accepting ways I contradict my self-image. (I had been expecting not to be fundamentally messy, which is an impossible standard for anyone operating on electrocuted meatware.) I suppose part of the trouble with aiming to write seminal works is that you're generally the first person doing it, so you're starting from that deeply insecure (for lack of a better word) position.

I think I will make that zine without posting it, that sounds useful--besides, I don't think the defensiveness is useless, I just loathe the idea of publishing defensively. But no one has to see it, least of all people I don't think I owe a defense.